Fathers…..

Today…. today is no different than any other day…  for me… but it’s a privilege… an honor… to have children.  It’s also an honor to have a Father. 

Last week, I watched Baker ride off towards camp… BSA troop 176… left for North Carolina… then, I waited…  Waiting for my little boy to come home… I noticed that Belle began to miss him by week’s end..  Our days and nights were filled with work…riding the four-wheeler… movies…. I thought about the hundreds of thousands of Fathers who watched their sons leave for overseas assignments… Iraq, Afghanistan, Europe…. and what it must feel like to wait… not hear their voices… not know how things are going… but wait.  Waiting with a date highlighted on the refrigerator calendar and look at that number each morning… until it arrives… 

The week reinforced the fact that kids often need different things from us… the flexibility of a parent… to give in different ways… Belle just wanted to be near me… an evening four-wheeler ride through the woods… reading together… she worked with me this week…not a single complaint…

I’ve given it some thought…. I leave work in the evening, mentally evaluating the day… was it productive?  profitable?  a move forward?  Or simply a day that has managed to slip away…. It’s the same for my time with the kids…  Did I end this day well?  Were my hands… and time… and attention focused accordingly?  Can I close my eyes at night… revisit the day… each moment with them…. and smile?  Was my love….my discipline… my all…. given?  If not…. well….. balancing the world IS my job….. 

The week was tough… a prelude to tomorrow…. One day… I’ll watch them both grow up… hear from them less… put miles between us… walk their own paths….

Baker…. Annabelle….. I’ll be on the porch (yours)…. my door will be open…. watching the distant bend in the road…. I will run to you when you call…. dream of you when you do not….  and cherish each moment that you give me now….  Happy Fathers’ Day…. to me.. I love you both with all that I am.

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Daughter….

We walked in the cool of the evening after the sun and a recent shower disappeared over  opposite horizons…. catching fireflies as they flashed… on….off… The light from a reflective crescent moon filtered through gently swaying pines…the summer breeze carrying the scent of wet timber piled high along the gravel road like slain Patagonians…  Only the sound of Annabelle’s sweet voice competed with the distant  and singing whippoorwill… but just as perfect and befitting such a peaceful moonlight stroll….  I held her little hand tightly…vowing to never release it… chiseling her words, this picture of her…  our carved names in the bark of a timeless sycamore.  Her brother away for the week at Boyscout Camp….. taking advantage of a rare few days of one-0n-one bonding…. Forging….  Learning to become the Father  she needs me to be and determined to practice the flexibility required as she becomes a young lady…. precious little soul… sweet little girl…. daughter…

Darkness fell as quickly as the timber…but quietly..willingly…. peacefully.  Brilliant stars and passing clouds….  simplicity… in the cool of the evening….. Keens and pajamas… a jar full of lightning bugs…. Belle… her hair smells of fruit… her fingertips green from food coloring and today’s experiment…  My thoughts roamed to Baker… in the North Carolina mountains for a week of living in a tent.. earning a merit badge, perhaps.. Meanwhile, I’ll strive to earn my own… tying and retying the specific twists and slips of this knot… a badge I’ll permanently fasten to my attire, refusing to allow it to become tattered and worn and neglected… This is my daughter..

Waiting……

Aimless and distant passerbys…  I watched from the shade of a small tree…  A mere handful of miles in the distance, the mountains, which served as the entry-way into the gorge,  stood against a gray sky.  I closed my eyes for a few brief minutes until I could see the waterfall that cascaded from the bluff into a receptive pool  far below.  I had been there many, many times.  Greeting those memories, I remember seeking solitude there in the past.  Today, I wanted to be there….. If I could block out my surroundings, I would be there now.  I knew the rocks, the lush green laurel at the pool….  the hollow void behind the falls…… 

Downtown…  North Shore…  Green Life.. thinking of my kids…. missing them….. somewhere in the gorge…. but I am Waiting… tired of dealing with the unnecessary… wondering why there is no end to the behind-the-scene play of arrogance and unbearable selfishness…. and I am growing weary.   

Closing my eyes…focusing on a night…by a smoldering fire… an October night… smelling smoke-tainted and exhausted kids… after a long day of hiking…. breathing deeply… breathing in the many, many unspoiled days and memories….believing in the many, many more to come….  

But today… today, there’ll be brief silence… children, dissecting the daily flow of words and actions….moods and an attempt to control… Today, my children learn of the ever-changing range of right and wrong… of boundaries that benefit no one… I’ll wait… and know.. that in a little while, they’ll be running in the woods… being children…. as children were meant to be… uncivilized… unaware….innocent… 

Beneath this insignificant shade tree… I have sought out a place… deep in the gorge… the embers are all but gone and the day is late… knowing the pace of the fire and letting it smolder… sycamores and poplars sway gently… a nearby waterfall… cool mornings…. I’m waiting there.